XxAnaMiaxAngelxX's Xanga

Two co-dependent addicts[comments disabled- rant]

Sun, 31 May 2009 03:05:01 GMT

Have you ever had this urge..
To curl up in a ball and scream??

because the inner termiol just wont let up?
Thats how I feel right now.
Basicly the overview of my love/life

I have issues with ED's on and off
relapse and back again, and anxiety and anger issues.
Then this guy, we'll call him, Jeremy,
Jeremy is an alcoholic, smoker and addicted to weed,
he also has sold/bought many forms of other drugs
so basicly just an addict.

I care for him so much.
But sometimes I want to tear my hair
out because its so hard to deal with my
ED and try to be there for him with
his addictions.
I care deeply about him and
he's going through a rough time but I
just don't know how to feel sane and mentally
ok. I just wish an anwser would drop from the sky.

Can I beg Forgiveness? [Major Updates]

Sat, 30 May 2009 23:22:38 GMT

Amanda Carrier for you girls. She is the love of
my hypo-pathetic life. She's a body builder, fitness icon,
model, and mommy. Everyday of the week. She is
5' 5", 130 lbs. I Absolutly adore her. But enough about Amanda.

I'd like to beg, beg, beg forgiveness girlies, I havent been
on in like forever. Literaly. I've been really REALLY
bussy. You girls are like family and I've totally neglected
you. Shits been hectic.
Mom and I've been fighting again.
Kaleb and I broke up, the last few weeks were
finals prepration, and I got with this guy
Kaylor, but only sexually. We had a
pregnancy scare, which was only a
scare, thank the skies. I went to our first
football meeting about a week ago. I need
to resign-up for classes. Weight-lifting
re-starts on the 1st for football(and yes I'm going
to be a[n american] football player). I'm
trying to convince my mom to let me attend
the Lutheran Church in town.

And about my diet. So, I know
I should be on a calorie packed diet
to keep myself going. I've been eating 1 meal
a day with occasional snackage. I just
don't have an appitite partailly because I'm
stressed and partially because I just don't want
to eat. I'm taking daily vitamins, and starting on
protien(suppliments), because I don't get much.
I'm trying to be healthier. I kind of want to
get better, but kind of don't still. So,
I figured I'll take small steps,
I excersize 4 times a week, so it
makes eating easier to justify, also church
potlucks and what not help. But I'm
just taking it in strides, trying
to detach emotions from food, only
eating when hungry, staying VERY active
and who knows, maybe my ED will go
away just like it came in, semi-undetected.

How are you girls doing?
I'll read your blogs, comment, and
message more. I'm becoming a total
health guru, so if you have any health questions
be sure to ask. i can't bare to be on much
longer, the screan is giving me a headache,
but I'll contact as many of yall as I can
alittle laters.

!! Stay Strong, Never Give Up <3
<3 Dream Big !!

I don't know what I'll do if I'm not preg

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 23:27:53 GMT

Disclaimer...
I know teen pregnancy is bad, but me and his dad are together & he's
going into the military. Our finances are fine. My parents insurance covers and
will support me. & since its been a possibility I have been eating well & balanced
as to not hurt the baby. I don't believe in abortion, and I don't like
the idea of my baby being property of DHS if I can prevent

As weird as it may sound, I don't know
what i'll do if I'm not pregnant.
Tomorrow doctors will consider me 3 weeks
along. When in all actuality it would only be 1 week
since conception.

Basically, this is whats up.
Kaleb and I had unprotected
sex on 03/30 & 04/01. If you've ever needed
it and couldn't wait- yeah. And I don't feel
bad for it, however I feel irresponsible for not
bringing a condom. & I can't take Birth Control
because I get really sick/anemic/depressed/moody
when I'm on birth control.

But yeah. I started eating normal, but
extremely healthy, cut back on caffeine, and
taking care of myself just in case.
I feel like ~~~ idk.
~ I know I'm not ready for this.
~ I know it'll be hard.
~ I know I'll have to get my GED.
~ I know Kaleb doesn't want a kid yet.
And on the other hand ~~
~ I've gotten used to the concept
of a baby growing inside me
~ I've done tons of research
~ I know what I'll have to do and accept it.
~ I love the baby inside of me.
~ I have a name picked out.[by accident
{Jeramiah Anthony Littau}]
~ I'll have to get on track real quick if I'm not.
~ There's a local restaurant I can work at.

Idk~ I just don't know what to think.
My period should be on the 17th, the day before
prom. So, I'll go into prom being sad that I'm
not prego, or I'll go into prom saying, "Its
okay Kaleb, my period will come soon."
He's more devastated than I am... and really
up~to~date. He's really nervous..

I just want this to be..
I've miscarried twice... so
if I'm prego and I carry full term.. it
means I'm not infertile.

Sorry. Pour my heart out.
P.s. it.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:25:56 GMT

Okay soooo... I'm pissed
foro several reasons. Yet happy
for more.

Reasons for Happy-
- I got a talent agent and an on camera
audition for 20th Century Fox
- I lost 2 lbs
- I'm going to get to go to prom, in a limo
with 4 amazingly close friends of
mine.
- The most amazing guy in the world is my
date to prom.

Reasons for Non-Happy-
- I'm really anxious because my appiontment
with my cardiologist is on the 9th.
- I'm puking up blood w/o purging or to much
exersize
- I couldn't lift in my weight training program
with out feeling dizzy, sick, anxious,
my heart palpitating, and puking(stomach
acid because there was nothing in it)
- Kaleb figured out I have an eating disorder
and said "I don't want you to be
anorexic, its yucky."
- I just realised Kaleb KNEW I had
self image promblems before we
dated.
- Kaleb and my Mom don't support me
at all in my quest to act.
- Kaleb is into acting/directing and DOSEN'T
SUPPORT MY ACTING.
- Kaleb and I have been quite distant... and I
don't want us to be.
- Some chick is trying to sleep with him
- ahhhhhhh.

Its just... I'm soooooo anxious
about my try out with Fox on Sun
and soooo anxious about my cardiac
appointment on the 9th.
And acting is my world. And Kaleb knows
that. And he loves to act to. So how
can he be sooo hypocritical and not support
me in my quest to do what I love- act.
Not only that
but it hurts so bad. That he some how
figured out about my eating disorder. Because
the only other person I know, is a girl I
trust with my life. & she's been
all fucking over him lately.
That violates my trust, sooo much that
she could tell him!! tell anyone!!
SHE HAS AN EATING DISORDER
TOO.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

comments disabled...

3 lbs!!!

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:15:38 GMT

Woooooooooooooooot!!
Utterly amazing. Because I've been binging
ALOT.
I went from 120.32 lbs
aka 54.52 kgs

My current wight w/loss is
117.26 lbs
aka 53.16 kgs

I'm soo stoked! I finally
lost weight. Thats utterly amazing.
And now I have a
kick start, something to cling to
I feel hopeful..
Like maybe I can acomplish
something.
I WILL NOT stray from my diet.
My goal..
I can feel it.

Kaleb was suposed
to come over today. But another
blizzard has roared its ugly
head.
So it looks like I'll be doing with
out. x.x

I won't be able to
excersize outside today. So,
I'll do 30 mins on
the treadmill, wall sits,
and probably about 50 sit ups.

I feel lazy. x.x
And mi tummy feels empty.
Corn flakes for breakfast!!!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 04:52:11 GMT

Crazzy excited for
prom.
Kalebs coming over tom. I'll
feel wayy dissapointed about my
fatass.

Accoording to
this thingy I can only
lose like ~ 10 lbs in the next two- three
weeks.
I'll fast two-four days-ish
before hand.. I'll chop up my
food to TINY bites, push it around
ALOT, and sip water like
insane crazziness.

My Diet Plan.
Caroline Kettlewell Diet.
Breakfast: ½ Corn flakes w/ sugar (100[?] cals)
total: 100 calories, 0 gms fat
Lunch: 1 clementine or 1/2 orange ( 45 cals)
total: 45 calories, 0 gms fat
Dinner: 3 bites of dinner (approx. 100 cals)
total: 100 calories, 2 gms fat
Total: 245 calories, 2 gms fat

I need to excersize 3-5 times a week
at least.
If I exersize everyday.. I
can be down to 109 by April 19
I've been slacking
I NEED TO STICK
THIS GODDAMN DIET OTHERWISE
I"LL ALLWAYS BE A FATASS.

FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS FATASS
DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Stay Strong Gurls.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:37:06 GMT

Tomorrows fasting
Sunday for church. Will fast, all
day.
We only need to fast
for two meals- I'll say I ate breakfast
skip out on the potluck.

Reason for Religious fast:

I want to know
what Goood thinks of Eating
Disorders.

Stupid.
I know.

<3 .Stay Strong. <3

Just waiting...

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:04:26 GMT

F2... F2
Again,
Again,
Again,
I keep pressing F2
And refresh on my facebo0k page
hoping Kalebs written me back.
Were both not big fans of talking on the
phone.
I dream about him alot.
Every night.
I'm scared of planes.
He's taking one back.
It makes me nervous.
I remember..
Dreaming about walking for hours,
until the sunset.
Talking...
About everything.
But we have nothing in common.
Exept for our love
for acting, public speaking, and each other,
He's a gaurded country boy,
a greaser.
I grew up in the ghetto,
I dress like it too.

Anyways. i want to lose 20 lbs
by prom.

I'm going on the Caroline Kettlewell Diet
Its pretty simply laid ut.
Breakfast: ½ Corn flakes w/ sugar (100[?] cals)
total: 100 calories, 0 gms fat
Lunch: 1 clementine or 1/2 orange ( 45 cals)
total: 45 calories, 0 gms fat
Dinner: 3 bites of dinner (approx. 100 cals)
total: 100 calories, 2 gms fat
Total: 245 calories, 2 gms fat

I'll stay on this diet for
at least 3 weeks.
I'll splurge on prom and eat
the dinner & be sure to bring
something to make me throw up after dinner.
Then throw myself back on track.

Honestly.
I don't care about
disapointing Kaleb. I'll do
anything to be thin. No matter
what. And if
he can't stick with me
through it.
So be it.

I need this.

Btw. I'm pissed.
I love Kaleb. No doubt. But,
I used to be bi, and some
of that is coming back.

But, I'll never
let it take over again...

<3 .Stay Strong. <3

Control+Alt+Fail

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 00:56:32 GMT

Utterly pissed at
myself right now. I ate a
hershey's chookies 'n' cheeme white
chocolate bar. It
was sin, sin to ana, sin to thin
I wanted to puke-- but it was soo
indulgent.

No more sweets for me. No more
junkfood. Only
fruits and veggies.

Intake.
! cooked egg- 100 cals
Faux Ground Hamburger- 15 cals
Parmasan Cheese- 20 cals
Otterpops[x3]- 45 cals
Gluten Free- Bread[x3 pc.]- 150 cals
1/2 green apple- 60 cals
Cookies 'n' Creeme Bar- 220 cals
+100 cals... I can't remember where...grr
Cheese & Sour cream chips- 80
Total. 790 cals.
x.x

I was sure, like 100% thay I had 710 cals!! That
came reallly, realllllly close.
It kinda ticks me off. I need to work
on this TEMPTATION thing.

I feel like I'm leading a doubble life,
at church, I'm perfect, I'm great. And
at home, I'm nice and great.
At school, I'm like, "I don't give
a fuck about anything but my b0yfriend."
And thats so true. But,
we've had sex, which is against
the church.. our
whole relationship is against
the church. Were planning on
moving in together & his friend told
me he's planning on proposing after
basic training.

Speaking of Kaleb.
He's coming home tomarrow
night, then he'll be staying at my
place all day on mon.
I love him.
It'll be emotional, since
this is the longest we've
ever been apart.
<3

I'm gonna try uber
hard. So HARD to lose..
20-30 lbs by prom. Thats the
18 of April.

I want to lose
and get down to 100 lbs
for him, for me...
for me..
so, I'll look amazing.
In that dress.

<3 .Stay Strong. <3

Re- un- feediing, breaking fast due to

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:59:19 GMT

So, I was feeling sick and dizzy
since I started getting on track.
Obvilously from eating less.
But I passed out from it. So,
I think, untill my body reajusts
I shouldn't fast.
I'll eat today.
This is how I'm gonna
do it.

Cal Scedual
Today & Tomarrow- 800 cals
Sun, Mon, & Tues- 600 cals
Wed, Thurs, & Fri- 500 cals
Fri- Sun- 400 cals
Sun- Tues- 300 cals
Wed, Thurs & Fri- 200 cals
Sat - Forever- 100 cals

Food take.
800- 500 cal days
Six- Meal a Day

400- 300 cal days
Five- Meal a Day

200- 100 cals days
Four- Meal a Day

Exersize.
800 cal- Exersize at School
600 cal- School, walk 1 mile & 50 sit ups.
500 cal- School, walk 2 mile & 60 situps
400 cal- School, walk 2 mile, 70 situps & 10 pushups
300 cal- School, walk 2 mile, 80 situps, 20 pushups,
2 min Scisor kicks
200 cal- School, walk 2.5 miles, 90 situps, 30 pushups,
3 min siscor kicks
100 cal- school, walk 2- 3 miles, 100 situps, 40 pushups,
& 5 mins siscor kicks

I'm trying to increase everything somewhat
slowly because I relise that
I have issues with immidate cal loss
and I'm trying to not hurt myself.
Even though I know thin is the only
thing that matters in the long run. I
don't want to dissapoint Kaleb..
I know I have tunnel vision.
It see's thin & Kaleb

If I can. I
want to make Kaleb happy. But
being thin is my ulitimate.
So, I'll try not to raise concern.