Amanda Carrier for you girls. She is the love of
my hypo-pathetic life. She's a body builder, fitness icon,
model, and mommy. Everyday of the week. She is
5' 5", 130 lbs. I Absolutly adore her. But enough about Amanda.

I'd like to beg, beg, beg forgiveness girlies, I havent been
on in like forever. Literaly. I've been really REALLY
bussy. You girls are like family and I've totally neglected
you. Shits been hectic.
Mom and I've been fighting again.
Kaleb and I broke up, the last few weeks were
finals prepration, and I got with this guy
Kaylor, but only sexually. We had a
pregnancy scare, which was only a
scare, thank the skies. I went to our first
football meeting about a week ago. I need
to resign-up for classes. Weight-lifting
re-starts on the 1st for football(and yes I'm going
to be a[n american] football player). I'm
trying to convince my mom to let me attend
the Lutheran Church in town.

And about my diet. So, I know
I should be on a calorie packed diet
to keep myself going. I've been eating 1 meal
a day with occasional snackage. I just
don't have an appitite partailly because I'm
stressed and partially because I just don't want
to eat. I'm taking daily vitamins, and starting on
protien(suppliments), because I don't get much.
I'm trying to be healthier. I kind of want to
get better, but kind of don't still. So,
I figured I'll take small steps,
I excersize 4 times a week, so it
makes eating easier to justify, also church
potlucks and what not help. But I'm
just taking it in strides, trying
to detach emotions from food, only
eating when hungry, staying VERY active
and who knows, maybe my ED will go
away just like it came in, semi-undetected.

How are you girls doing?
I'll read your blogs, comment, and
message more. I'm becoming a total
health guru, so if you have any health questions
be sure to ask. i can't bare to be on much
longer, the screan is giving me a headache,
but I'll contact as many of yall as I can
alittle laters.

!! Stay Strong, Never Give Up <3
<3 Dream Big !!

Okay soooo... I'm pissed
foro several reasons. Yet happy
for more.

Reasons for Happy-
- I got a talent agent and an on camera
audition for 20th Century Fox
- I lost 2 lbs
- I'm going to get to go to prom, in a limo
with 4 amazingly close friends of
mine.
- The most amazing guy in the world is my
date to prom.

Reasons for Non-Happy-
- I'm really anxious because my appiontment
with my cardiologist is on the 9th.
- I'm puking up blood w/o purging or to much
exersize
- I couldn't lift in my weight training program
with out feeling dizzy, sick, anxious,
my heart palpitating, and puking(stomach
acid because there was nothing in it)
- Kaleb figured out I have an eating disorder
and said "I don't want you to be
anorexic, its yucky."
- I just realised Kaleb KNEW I had
self image promblems before we
dated.
- Kaleb and my Mom don't support me
at all in my quest to act.
- Kaleb is into acting/directing and DOSEN'T
SUPPORT MY ACTING.
- Kaleb and I have been quite distant... and I
don't want us to be.
- Some chick is trying to sleep with him
- ahhhhhhh.

Its just... I'm soooooo anxious
about my try out with Fox on Sun
and soooo anxious about my cardiac
appointment on the 9th.
And acting is my world. And Kaleb knows
that. And he loves to act to. So how
can he be sooo hypocritical and not support
me in my quest to do what I love- act.
Not only that
but it hurts so bad. That he some how
figured out about my eating disorder. Because
the only other person I know, is a girl I
trust with my life. & she's been
all fucking over him lately.
That violates my trust, sooo much that
she could tell him!! tell anyone!!
SHE HAS AN EATING DISORDER
TOO.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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